MAY DAY is constant change. Each moment carries within itself a contradiction: one day passes easily, with clear purpose and inner peace, while the next is like a mirror in which I lose myself, not knowing who I am. In the same hour, I can feel alive, full of energy, as if the whole world understands me. In the next hour, without reason, doubt creeps in, as if someone erased my inner map, and I no longer know where I’m going.

Emotions are like waves—one day they gently caress, the next they engulf me, pulling me into the unknown. Yet these fluctuations become a part of my daily existence. Expectations shift as well—one day they stand firmly before me, promising everything I desire. The next day they turn into shadows, impossible to grasp.

But perhaps this is the true rhythm of life? I am inevitably tied to a constantly shifting self, like a fleeting glance at who I am. Maybe the essence lies in the fact that each day allows me to experience everything—from fullness to emptiness. Every feeling, even the whisper of anxiety, is part of my journey through myself.

Yes, there are days when I feel I am. I feel connected to the world, I sense my inner balance. But there are also days when I lose myself, when I don’t know what lies behind my thoughts. Yet it is precisely that loss that becomes a new discovery. Each day is a search and a reconciliation with the fact that nothing is permanent. I am a constantly changing phenomenon, living between what is clear and what is inevitably intangible.

Perhaps true peace comes not from understanding who I am each day, but from accepting and allowing myself not to know.

3 November, 2024

SELFIE

What does a selfie mean to each of us? I often see comments like "Narcissist, narcissist" when someone posts their own photo. But I’m happy that people take photos of themselves. It shows they dare to see themselves, love themselves, analyze, accept, and ask questions.

By seeing yourself in a phone or mirror, you can start seeing others more clearly too. It expands the boundaries of perception. What do selfies mean to me?

For many years, I stuttered. Sometimes it would take me a whole minute to say the word "mom." I’ve received countless failing grades simply because, when the teacher called me to answer in front of the class, I couldn’t get a word out. Alongside this, there was an attempt to force me to be right-handed—my left-handedness was "killed off" with mittens, finger-smacking, being made to kneel in the corner, and other forms of bullying.

After I turned 20, my stuttering turned into rapid speech. Even now, I sometimes hear comments about how I speak or read too fast. Yes, that’s also a speech disorder. But when you finally get a diagnosis, even at 47, it brings some peace of mind.

Selfies are a reminder that I am a strong, handsome, and unique man. They show that I wasn’t broken by the sadistic rules of the system or the people who wanted (and maybe still want) to change me.

I could talk endlessly about the strength I draw from photographing people. But first, I had to understand this power by witnessing it through my own experience.

25 Januar, 2025